Mostly Racin' Stuff

                                      By Tom Avenengo

                                         Volume # 188




Some personal/family stuff:



My wife, who left us on July 3, 2014.


Remember, photos can only be seen on the New England Tractor/Race Report website, which is linked to at the end of my columns.


This coming Saturday, August 9th, my son, Eric, is tying the knot with a lovely young lady – Catherine Rude.  Plans were being made for something special for the couple that was at the wedding that had been married the longest.  That would have been my wife and me. – With us being married 54 years this coming 9/11.  For the dance that I would have had with my wife, I’ll be having a dance – with daughter Judy and with Daughter Sandy – our two oldest.  I think “Mom” would have liked that.


More memories:


Sometimes I tend to forget some important things.  I’m not positive if I was going to Trenton for a big Midget race with a friend – Ronny Colombo, the Sunday after I had taken Joanie home that first time.  However, the race was rained out.  Over the course of the following week, I asked her if she thought she’d like to go with me, and she said she would.  Ronny had a Corvette – the kind that had those wire covers on the headlights.  Me, I had an MG-A.  Yup, both were two-seaters.  I called Ronny and told him I had a young lady that wanted to go, and he told me he also had a friend that wanted to go, so problem solved.

We pulled in behind the bleachers that were on the straightaway on the track, and Ronny and his friend were already there – saving seats for us.  Ronny motioned for us to stay where we were.  He sent his friend down with Ronny’s rain check.  So, on our first ever date, I got my future wife in for free.

Now I can swear that the race was for 300 miles, but from what I’ve read/seen, it was only 250.  It was co-sanctioned with the ARDC and USAC.  Close to the 100 mile mark, it rained – again.  We climbed down through the rigging of the bleachers to the MG – got into it, and proceeded to kinda fill it up with cigarette smoke.  The fans were asked if they wanted to wait it out, or maybe come back the following week.  We all chose to wait it out.  So, during the rain delay, the teams were allowed to work on their cars.  This kinda caused a slight up-roar, since some had already made a pit stop.


To be continued!




Racin’ stuff:


On Tuesday, I went to the Accord Speedway with my daughter, Judy.  The forecast called for a thunderstorm around 4:00 in the afternoon.  Well, that wasn’t quite right.  Rains did come as the second consi was on the track.

The decision – to come back on Wednesday, with more showers being predicted, or stay home and spend some time with my daughter Sandy, and other family members who were up from Florida for the wedding this coming Saturday.  We elected to stay home.  Oh well.  Stuff happens. 

I’m hoping I see more of the racing results before sending this column out.  I do know that Anthony Perrego was the winner.  Funny, but on our way up 209 to the track, as we passed Gary Mann’s business, I told Judy, that’s the car that you’ll have to watch tonight.


"But I haven’t talked to IndyCar in two and a half years. I don’t even think they’re ready to talk to us, to be candid. We don’t have any desire with their current business model to run here. Their business model is insane. They’re asking way too much money for a product that you can’t sell enough tickets to and obviously that puts you in red ink land. And there’s no TV; corporate sponsors aren’t following them. If your corporate sponsors and TV won’t follow, it’s very difficult to host one of these races. I love IndyCar, as you well might remember, and I’d love to have them back. From a business model point of view, I can’t see doing it."


The above is just a part of a conversation with WGI President Michael Printup



Police seek large stolen Earnhardt memorabilia collection


Again, the “crowd” at Pocono, really didn’t look all that bad for the NASCAR race this past Sunday.


Weather permitting – and it should, it looks like I’ll be at Accord this Tuesday night.


My son, Eric, came over this past Saturday to cut my grass.  No idea as to what I’d do without him!  He made mention that he MIGHT go to OCFS for the racing.  I told him, if he went, I might join him.  I got there a little after 5:00, and hung out by the 31st lap until he arrived – maybe 5:45.  I had a nice chat with Dave Morehouse – he is the one with racing collectables.

I’ve requested, on numerous times, that OCFS put up some hand rails in the half covered stands, on the stairways.  From what I can gather, those stands are “grandfathered” in, so handrails do not have to be installed.  I do notice that the new bleachers in the first turn do have them, though.  I have difficulty going down the stairs, and last week I also had difficulty going up them, too.  Damn old age!

There was very little dust from the nights racing, but we did get a fair amount of black dirt on us.  At least there were a couple of lanes and there were some that ventured up top and were able to make passes.  For once, the Sportsman class did NOT have their weekly demo derby!


One thing I noticed at OCFS while I was waiting for my son to get there – a big majority of the fans coming in were, to put it mildly, “gray beards”.


Quite a bit going around about car counts on the Internet.  Some of what’s being said will appear below, in various sections.


No, I did not watch the Indy Car race this past Sunday.  Heck, I don’t know if I even get the channel they were on!  I just have a hard time watching Indy Car races when there are so few American drivers in them – especially those that have come up through the ranks.


I guess we can now add Pocono as a track that has a “big one” wreck?


Not sure where I found this on the Internet, but it’s quite true, sad to say:


“Jim I agree. Auto racing is in fact dying because automobile racing no longer exists. All that is available to the racing fan is driver racing, where there is no individual involvement in the creation of the racing automobile as in the past when individual men designed, built, maintained, fielded, and drove their racing autos.”





Posted on Facebook by Andy Hillenburg on August 2nd on the USAC Silver Crown From The Beginning To Today page:


Hello friends and fans, The USAC Silver Crown Series is just past the halfway point of the season and I would like to give a little insight from the inside of the circle so to speak. First off, I want to thank our fans that have come out to watch any of our first 6 races this year, I have talked with many of you and have really enjoyed meeting a lot of new friends. Next, a tip of the cap to our car owners. This world has been tough financially over the past 6 years on almost everyone, and owning and preparing a race car is definitely above and beyond the norm. Now to my drivers. I watched USACs best in the 70', was fortunate to race wheel to wheel with USACs best in 80's and 90's, saw more of the same in 2k, and I will put our current drivers against any era, you guys are amazing. When Kevin Miller offered me a position with the Silver Crown series I was aware that it would take a little time to get the series back to the glory days (longer than 7 months) but felt and still feel it can be done. He is assisting me with what I feel this series needs to be successful, but I needed to learn our tracks, teams, drivers, fans,promoters, and challenges to start understanding the problems and going to work on each and everyone of them. Kevin Miller is behind the USAC Silver Crown series 100% and I appreciate that very much. Jason McCord and his team has been outstanding showing me the ropes in officiating the open wheel cars and I appreciate it. I always thought I loved this series more than anyone, anyone till I went to lunch with Dick Jordan 50 times this year. DJ thanks for your passion and fueling mine even more to make Silver Crown a premier series again. Now, it's time for the second half of my rookie season. Springfield will be our breakout race towards that premier status. I expect a tremendous car count there, and I hope that all the fans can join us August 16, we need you to be here loud and proud, and with the combination of teams and fans at this event, I hope to have legitimate talking points with new venues, new sponsors, new teams and drivers, new benefits for our existing teams for 2015 (assuming i get invited back) In the beginning of the year I posted an email address for ideas, constructive criticism, wish lists etc. I have answered each one (even if it was 2 weeks later)  Well, I hope to say hello to all my friends in person at Springfield Illinois on August 16 and meet a lot of new ones. Thanks, Andy


Note:  As of this past Monday, there were 75 comments on this.  Some are quite interesting.



RAB Racing announces female driver addition:


Her name:  Milka Duno


Note:  I guess it does pay to bring $$$ along, huh?  Personally, she never showed me any talent worth while.




Former OVRP Dirt Oval runners:


Quite a few Friday night tracks suffered from “Mother Nature” doing her thing last week.


OCFS:  Tim Hindley was 2nd in the Modified feature, with Clinton Mills 7th, Mike Ruggiero 8th, Danny Creeden 10th and Mike Kolka 14th.

Tim won the Small Block feature, with Danny 4th and Mike Kolka 7th.

Brian Krummel won the Sportsman feature.  Matt Janiak was 3rd, LJ Lombardo 6th, Dom Roselli, Jr. 10th, Joey Falanga 12th, Joe Conklin 13th, Winter Mead 18th, Zach Mead 19th and Zack Vavricka 21st.

Note:  after he won his qualifying heat, LJ got out of his car and told his father, Lew, that he needed a ride for the feature.  Some engine problem, it seems.  They checked with a few drivers and no luck.  Then LJ went over to Brian Krummel, who was talking to someone, and LJ said to Brian that he needed a ride for the feature.  Without hesitation, the two took off in search of a ride.  Keep in mind, LJ was leading in the points and Brian was 3rd.  A ride was found  - The Mike Weslowski # 20 car.   LJ started last and did a great job with that 6th place finish, keeping his point lead.


Lebanon Valley:  Bobby Hackel, IV, was 9th, Kolby Schroder 10th and Kyle Armstrong 13th in the Modified feature.

Tyler Dippel won the Small Block feature with Hackel 17th. 

Matt Pappa won the Sportsman feature and John Virgilio was 8th.


A/S:  Josh Pieniazek was 4th, Brittany Tresch 7th and Joe Kata 15th in the CRSA 305 feature.  Emily VanInwegen was a DNS.

Hunter Bates was 4th and Alex Bell 17th in the Sportsman feature.


Davie Franek was 5thin the 360 Sprint feature at Selinsgrove.


At Merrittville, in the SDS Modified feature, Billy V was 13th.


In the companion DIRTcar feature that was run along with the “Big Show” at A/S, Brett Wright was 20th.  Billy V was a DNS


JB Morris was 9th in the 4 Cylinder Advanced feature at Bethel.


Ben Whitaker was 5th in the Late Model feature at Susquehanna.


Molly Champbers was 27th in the Wingless 60 Micro feature at Kutztown.

Danny Buccafusca was 7th in the All Star Slingshot feature.


Tyler Pirone was 23rd in the All star Slingshot feature at Hamlin. 

Jacob Hendershot was 2nd in the 270 Micro feature.

Danny Buccafusca was 2nd in the Rookie 600 Micro feature.


Billy V was 14th in the SDS Modified feature at Ransomville.


Feature results from the “Battle of the Bull Ring” that was started on Tuesday, and finished up on Wednesday night.

Anthony Perrego 1st, Tyler Dippel 12th, Tim Hindley 16th and Danny Creeden 22nd.

Bruan Krummel was 7th, Matt Hitchcock 9th, Joey Bruning 10th and Mike Traver 12th in the combined Crate & Open Sportsman feature.

Note:  with some 47 Modifieds and over 40 Sportsman entered, there were some that were DNQ’s.  I should have them next week, unless I se emore results prior to midnight.



From Jayski:


Starting this week, I’ll just make mention of some of the tings that appear on the Jayski website.



Toyota working on new Camry for 2015:


Ryan Blaney to drive for Wood Brothers in 2015:


Gordon says his back is "not great":


Montoya interested in "The Double":


               National Guard to end motorsports sponsorships:


               Sprint calls off T-Mobile merger; names new CEO:


               JTG Daugherty to make sponsorship announcement:


               Family sues NASCAR, Pocono over 2012 lightning death:


              Sabates' grandson killed in shooting:


              Could NASCAR require tire pressure sensors?





From Track Forum:


Kids Don't Care About Cars


Note:  As of this past Sunday, this thread was into its fourth page.  Some interesting thoughts being posted and it starts off with a link to an article.




From the AARN:


This Week



Marks’ Port Royal 410 Sprint Win Worth Over Ten Thousand Dollars


Slam Bang Wall Stadium Summer Sizzler To Anthony Sesely


Operation A Success: Dr. Johnson Makes Malta House Call, Wins Ten Grand


Bowman Gray SouthTour Win Taken By Jersey-Rooted Danny Bohn


Dave &Dale Blaney Run One-Two In Lou Blaney Memorial At Sharon


Earnhardt Completes Pocono NASCAR Sprint Cup Sweep


Brian Brown Is Knoxville 360 Sprint Nationals Winner


Dave Danzer Is Oswego Speedway’s ‘Mr. Supermodified’


Kenny Brightbill Back In Winners’ Circle At Kutztown In SpeedSTR


Jersey Rush Is Coming To New Egypt Speedway In August




Coming up:


Lebanon Valley:  Thurs. Aug. 14th


The $17,500 To Win MR. DIRT Track USA 100-Lap Modified DIRTcar Series Race Plus Sportsman ESW 8th Place Starting Spot For Modifieds


This years Hinchliffe Stadium Racing Expo will take place on Sunday Sept. 14, 2014. The date change will give many the opportunity to attend that couldn't attend previously. We have been working diligently to put this years show together. As you all know a lot has been going on around Hinchliffe Stadium. The stadium has made great strides in preserving it's history and building towards it's future.



Press releases:


HONDA USAC NATIONAL DIRT MIDGET RACE RESULTS: August 2, 2014 - Belleville, Kansas - Belleville High Banks - 37th "Belleville Midget Nationals"


FIRST HEAT: (8 laps) 1. Zach Daum (#5D Daum), 2. Christoper Bell (#71 Kunz/Curb-Agajanian), 3. Jerry Coons Jr. (#2 Lein), 4. Michael Pickens (#3F RFMS), 5. Stu Snyder (#2s Rhoten), 6. Jeff Stasa (#91 Stasa), 7. Tanner Thorson (#67 Kunz/Curb-Agajanian). 2:18.03


SECOND HEAT: (8 laps) 1. Rico Abreu (#97 Kunz/Curb-Agajanian), 2. Bryan Clauson (#63 Kunz/Curb-Agajanian), 3. Chris Windom (#3 RFMS), 4. Garrett Hood (#11H Hoods), 5. Don Droud Jr. (#44 Smith), 6. Johnny Murdock (#0 Murdock), 7. Tyler Dunkle (#0A Murdock). 2:19.95


THIRD HEAT: (8 laps) 1. Tracy Hines (#24 Parker), 2. Dave Darland (#17 RW/Curb-Agajanian), 3. Cody Brewer (#96 Central Motorsports), 4. Isaac Chapple (#52 Chapple), 5. Matt Johnson (#85 Johnson), 6. Ty Williams (#19 Stasa), 7. Robert Bell (#0z Murdock). 2:21.11


POLE DASH: (6 laps) 1. Daum, 2. Abreu, 3. Bell, 4. Hines, 5. Darland, 6. Clauson. 1:48.87


B DASH: (6 laps) 1. Windom, 2. Pickens, 3. Brewer, 4. Chapple, 5. Hood. 1:48.25


FEATURE: (40 laps) 1. Rico Abreu, 2. Zach Daum, 3. Tracy Hines, 4. Christoper Bell, 5. Chris Windom, 6. Dave Darland, 7. Bryan Clauson, 8. Jerry Coons Jr., 9. Michael Pickens, 10. Cody Brewer, 11. Stu Snyder, 12. Jeff Stasa, 13. Matt Johnson, 14. Isaac Chapple, 15. Garrett Hood, 16. Johnny Murdock, 17. Robert Bell, 18, Tyler Dunkle, 19. Don Droud Jr., 20. Ty Williams. NT


 FEATURE LAP LEADERS: Laps 1-13 Daum, Laps 14-40 Abreu.


NEW HONDA NATIONAL DIRT MIDGET POINTS: 1-Abreu-788, 2-Hines-677, 3-Bell-653, 4-Clauson-621, 5-Daum-549, 6-Windom-538, 7-Thorson-500, 8-Pickens-455, 9-Darland-418, 10-Andrew Felker-332,


 NEXT HONDA NATIONAL DIRT MIDGET RACE: August 17 - Sun Prairie, WI - Angell Park Speedway













CONTACT: JOHN SNYDER 845.216.8103 


Brett Hearn…for 40 years the Standard of Excellence in Modified Racing…“We’re never satisfied. We’re always working to get better, to stay ahead of the competition.  We’re all about winning races, championships, being the best team in Modified racing.”






WEST LEBANON, NY (Aug. 4)……..Winning the 30-lap DIRTcar Big-Block Modified feature race at Lebanon Valley Speedway (West Lebanon, New York) on Saturday evening, August 2, Brett Hearn, of Sussex, New Jersey, reached a career milestone, winning his 850th feature event race. Hearn’s total victories, garnered over a 40-year racing career, place him among the all-time winners in any form of American motorsports.


The Lebanon Valley victory was Hearn’s second of the week, as he had also won the DIRTcar Modified feature race at Albany-Saratoga Speedway (Malta, New York) the night before.


The wins were Hearn’s eleventh and twelfth of the 2014 season. His 850-win career record includes 515 Big-Block Modified victories, 333 in Small-Block Modified competition, and two United Racing Company (URC) Sprint Car wins. A master of extra-distance races, Hearn has posted 346 (41 percent of all his wins) in races of 50 laps or longer. Hearn has won races at 49 different speedways in 11 states and two Canadian provinces.


In addition to his 850 feature race victories, Hearn has garnered 82 individual track and series point championships and is the defending and eight time Super DIRTcar Modified Series titlist.


“This is really a true team accomplishment,” said Hearn. “Throughout my career, I’ve had support from a great number of people---family, friends, team owners, crew members, sponsors, racing businessmen, and fans; all have played key roles in our success.”


Hearn began his racing career in 1975 at age 16…too young to drive on the highways.  He has been a full time race car driver since the early 1980s.


During the ten-month Northeast dirt track racing season, Hearn drives his familiar No. 20 Big- and Small-Block Modifieds fielded by the merged Madsen Motorsports/B.H. Racing Enterprises, Inc. team.


Media representatives may contact Brett Hearn by calling 973-702-0819, weekdays during business hours. B.H. Racing Enterprises, Inc. information is available online at




NEWS FROM                                                                                                             

Orange County Fair Speedway                                                                                    

239 Wisner Avenue                                                                                                    

Middletown, NY10940 



Mike Gurda







Countdown to track championships continues


MIDDLETOWN, NY (August 05)……..The always exciting CRSA Sprint Cars will be back in action this coming Saturday evening, August 9 at the Orange County Fair Speedway in Middletown, New York. That’s in addition to “Hard Clay” track’s weekly regimen of DIRTcar Big-block Modifieds, Sportsman, Rookie Sportsman, and Street Stock racing divisions.


On July 12, the last CRSA appearance at Orange County saw Emily Vaninwegen win the 20-lap Sprint Car feature race. CRSA Sprint Cars have limited 305 cid engines, making the division more affordable for weekend racers.  But lest anyone doubt, they are fast race cars, especially on the big five-eights-mile Orange County track.


With just four weeks remaining in this year’s season-long point chases to determine the track champions, Orange County’s weekly racing divisions are set for another round of intense competition that includes qualifying heat races and feature events for all divisions.


Goldenarea Furniture of Middletown and New Jersey’s Sparta Trucking are the evening’s presenting sponsors.


Admission prices for the August 9 race meet remain at $14 adults, $12 seniors, and $2.00 for children 12 and under. The full night of racing begins promptly at 7:00 pm.


Advance ticket sales and track information for all remaining Orange County Fair Speedway race dates, including the 53rd Annual Eastern States Weekend, can be found at the Orange County website,, or from the Track Office. Call 845-342-2573 Wednesday through Saturday during business hours.         





FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE                                                                                                              AUGUST 4, 2014

DICK JORDAN                                                                                                                                                 14-152








            Kody Swanson of Kingsburg, Calif. enters the August 16 "Tony Bettenhausen 100" at the Illinois State Fairgrounds in Springfield with a 45-point lead over Tracy Hines in the UAC Silver Crown Championship series following his third victory of the season, last Friday at Belleville, Kansas.


            Swanson will lead a field of cars expected to eclipse the 30-car starting field. It could mark the largest Silver Crown field on dirt since the 2011 Hoosier Hundred in Indianapolis, Ind.


            Friday's "Hustle on the High Banks" 50-lapper at the Belleville High Banks saw Swanson catch Chris Windom on lap 45 and he led the final six laps around the half-mile oval in the Radio Hospital Maxim/Hampshire. Windom led the first 45 laps but encountered problems and was relegated to a ninth-place finish.


            Tracy Hines, the 2013 Belleville winner, finished second ahead of Christopher Bell, Bobby East and Dave Darland. Swanson was the fastest qualifier and the win was his third of the campaign.


            At Springfield, Swanson will try to improve on his seventh-place finish a year ago. Windom finished second last year at Springfield behind Illinois' A.J. Fike.



2014 USAC Silver Crown Standings:1-Kody Swanson-345, 2-Tracy Hines-300, 3-Bobby East-291, 4-Chris Windom-243, 5-Jacob Wilson-195, 6-Jerry Coons Jr.-177, 7-Tanner Swanson-165, 8-Bobby Santos-159, 9-Caleb Armtsrong-155, 10-David Byrne-147.



FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE                                                                                                              AUGUST 4, 2014

DICK JORDAN                                                                                                                                                 14-157






            Bear Ridge Speedway in Bradford, Vt. continues to host the USAC DMA Midgets this Saturday with the eighth of 12 scheduled races for the series on tap at the quarter-mile dirt oval.


            Hometown driver Adam Pierson appears to have the field covered so far, posting five wins and a pair of seconds in seven starts! His point lead has blossomed to a comfortable 123 points over runner-up Josh Sunn who has three second-places but is still seeking his first 2014 victory.


            Scott Viets and Scott Holcomb have accounted for the other two victories so far and they are third and fourth in the latest standings.



2014 USAC DMA Midget Standings: 1-Adam Pierson-661, 2-Josh Sunn-538, 3-Scott Viets-508, 4-Scott Holcomb-471, 5-Mike Chaffee-412, 6-Ray Miller-406, 7-Dean Christensen-394, 8-Joe Krawiec-389, 9-Tim Hodge-371, 10-Adam Whitney-363.



FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE                                                                                                              AUGUST 4, 2014

DICK JORDAN                                                                                                                                                 14-153








            Drivers Rico Abreu, Bryan Clauson and Zach Daum captured victories last week in Honda USAC National Midget action, leaving the diminutive Abreu holding a sizeable 111-point lead in the latest series standings entering an August 17 race at Angell Park Speedway in Sun Prairie, Wisc.


            Abreu stole the major headline Saturday night as he swept to victory in the 37th "Belleville Midget Nationals" championship at the Belleville (Kansas) High Banks.


            Abreu and his Toyota TRD Bullet/Speedway Toyota ran down Daum, of Pocahontas, Ill., on lap 14 of the 40-lap finale and proceeded to lead the rest of the way, despite challenges in the closing laps due to a restart. Daum, who had appeared dominant throughout the Belleville event, took the runner-up spot ahead of new track record holder Tracy Hines, defending winner Christopher Bell and Chris Windom.


            Hines obliterated the one-lap Belleville record on Thursday night but settled for a fourth-place finish in that night's 25-lap prelim behind Daum, Abreu and Dave Darland, who led the opening seven laps before yielding to Daum, who wheeled the Daum Crop Insurance/Weld Wheels Eagle/Stanton Toyoya. Windom rounded out the "top-five" at the checkered flag. New track records were also established by Michael Pickens in the heat races and Daum in the main event.


            Tuesday night's "Chad McDaniel Memorial" at Solomon Valley Raceway in Beloit, Kansas was won by Bryan Clauson of Noblesville, Ind. in the Curb Records Spike/Esslinger. Daum was second ahead of Hines, Bell and Abreu.


            Pickens led the first 11 laps at Beloit and Daum the next eight before Clauson took over for good.



2014 Honda USAC National Midget Standings: 1-Rico Abreu-788, 2-Tracy Hines-677, 3-Christopher Bell-653, 4-Bryan Clauson-621, 5-Zach Daum-549, 6-Chris Windom-538, 7-Tanner Thorson-500, 8-Michael Pickens-455, 9-Dave Darland-418, 10-Andrew Felker-332,




This week’s photo:

Note:  I keep forgetting – to see the photos, you have to go to the New England Tractor Race Report website which has a link at the end of my column!

Note:  To be perfectly honest, I was quite disappointed that no one responded about last weeks photo and the questions I had asked.


Ah yes, hard to forget what it was like back in the day when the midgets ran.  In some cases, they’d use the same car on dirt and pavement.  On occasion, the same day, too.


Here’s George Fonder in action in a Ken Hickey owned Offy Midget.

Not sure of whom the photographer was.



Racing video:


Ok, just had to put this one in!



Some non racin’ stuff:


Road taxes are rising, even in tax-averse states

With road projects threatened, transportation taxes are rising -- even in tax-averse states




This weeks joke:


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. 


Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. 

She said, "I have a praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. 

The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."


You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. 


"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." 

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."


Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. 


"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."


All the men sighed with unified relief.  The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.


A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.


He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. 


"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."





Until my next column


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